5 Things I Want

1. To get skinny.
2. To look at the stars and see one blink at me.
3. To go overseas.
4. To be found
5. For you to like me back.

5 THings about How I Feel

1. I'm sad because I miss him.

2. I'm sad because no one else knows how I feel

3. I'm sad because I'm so alone

4. I cry from the loneliness

5. I just wish you understood how much you're hurting me. Because you know, even though you think it's good, this is cutting me deeper than you could ever imagine.

5 Things I Need To Do

1. Make more Mix Tapes. Because they just paint my feelings with music.

2. Sleep Because I'm shattered and I can't concentrate on anything and I see things.

3. Write. Because It's my only outlet for this. For everything.

4. Be Happy. Because being sad never got you anywhere in life. And everyone else around me can't handle a sad me.

5. Be Forgiving. Because Holding a grudge was never healthy.

5 Ideas For My Column.

1. Superheroes and What Today's leaders can take form them.

2. The Role of Women in today's Society

3. Global Warming and why we shouldn't worry about it.

4. Abuse and be abused (alcohol)

5. The rise of obesity in New Zealand children

5 Feelings I Feel

1. Lost. Because where am I supposed to go now I don't know what to do?

2. Angry. At the people who didn't try to save you.

3. Sad. Because no one should have to die when they are only 16. And Because I miss you so much it hurts.

4. Disappointed. Because you did this to yourself. And you didn't tell me. I could have come. I could have been there.

5. Broken. Because I'll never see you again. Because it hurts so much I can't breathe. Because one half me is gone never to be replaced.

5 Songs I'm Listening To At The Moment

1. Airplanes B.o.B feat Hayley Williams of Paramore

2. Marching On Timbaland feat. OneReoblic

3. Gibberish Ryan Leslie

4. The Lake Aqualung

5. It's My Life / Confessions Glee Cast

5 Things I Miss The Most

1. You telling me all your problems.

And me telling you mine in response. The things we couldn't say to the parents, the things we couldn't tell our friends. We were each other's sounding boards. We were each other's half. It feels weird without you now. Like I'm all alone and everything I have to say is stuck inside my head.

2. Eating dough.

When the parents used to leave we always used to cover for each other. And we always made cookie dough to eat together in front of the TV or playstation. We would get all the ingredients, get them all over the floor, all through the sink, mix it with super speed, eat it, then feel sick. Then we would have two minutes to clean up. And I don't think anyone ever really knew.

3. Asking your advice for things you obviously didn't care about.

Like how my hair looked, and how my clothes looked, and how would this look if I changed it into a dress, or if I did make up like this all the time. And I dressed you so we kind of matched, but in the end your style looked way cooler than me, and secretly I was jealous, but not really. I was kind of proud that my brother was good enough for me to hang out with. And I was proud that I could ask you about anything and you always told the truth. like ' Ummm.. I hate to break it to you, but you look like a really big slut.'

4. Hearing your Voice.

I replay it over and over in my head. The things you told me, I have to otherwise I would go insane. Your talking to me in my head every day. I don't want to ever forget your voice or your smile or your anything. This sucks so bad. I can hear you screaming at me when your mad, and asking me questions and you just talking to me, and your happy voice and your sad voice and your angry voice, and when we laughed at each other I can hear that in my head. Everything is in my head, I think I'm going crazy. I hear you all the time, I see you when you're not there, I think you're still around, when obviously you're not.

5. Listening Really loud and doing crazy dances to all that weird music that we both liked.

It would be a stupid song that everyone said they hated, but we secretly loved, and we would turn it up really loud, and just dance, and you tried to teach me all those stupid shuffling moves you could do, but I just epically failed. And I remember ending up on the floor in fits of laughter and just staring at the roof talking about how epic we were,and what we were going to be like when we grew up, and how we were going to be the best brother and sister ever.

All I know, is that I can't take a single step without burning inside, and I can't cry unless I'm alone. I've never felt more alone and more fake in my life, because the truth is, I'm not fine now you're gone.

5 Things I Know I Should Do, But Never Do

1. Smile.

I never Smile, When I do, I feel like a goof. And I never smile at the things I should smile at. Because usually, I don't want to smile, because the things that everyone is smiling at, are usually the things I want to break, like relationships with a boy I love, or my cousin leaving home, or getting merit on a test. Yes I'm rather a mediocre.

2. Be Outgoing.

I am a very shy person, and find it really hard to open up to people, let alone start a general conversation. I think it goes hand in hand with self image. I'm me, and I would rather people would make an effort rather than for me to make and effort. I need to change that to 50-50.

3. Worry Less About the small Things and the what ifs.

I worry about the tiniest things, like a pen, or if someone borrows my scarf and the tag is on the wrong way. I have insane temper mood swings, that don't benefit anyone, and I just worry about the world and all the blades of grass, I focus too much on the what ifs. What if this. What if that. What if nothing. You had your chance Emily, It's gone.

4. Make My Glass Half Full.

I approach everything as though I have already failed, or am going to fail and I can never see the best solution. And I see life as something I have to conquer, rather than travel through. I need to learn to take the road. Travel it all.

5. Don't always be a shoulder to lean on when you're the one that needs to lean.

Because sometimes when I hurt, I just need a shoulder to lean on too. And you are who I need what I need, and even though I am your shoulder most of the time, sometimes I just want you to be there for me. Just sometimes.

5 Things That I Regret

1. Hating Myself and I my image.

Self confidence is non-existent in the world I live in.

2. Falling In Love When I was Never Really Allowed.

Because it breaks your heart, and every single time it's harder to put it back together.

3. Self Harm.

I though someone would notice that things weren't ok. It As it turns out, things were made worse, and my friends thought I was crazy and didn't want to go near me.

4. Showing my weaknesses.

It made it easy for people to take parts of and hurt me. Showing me as me only hurt me more.

5. All the lies I've told and been told.

I can't trust anyone or myself anymore, I'm living in a world where everyone and everything is a lie, and nothing is the truth, as though the truth never existed in the first place.

5 Things That Make Me Me

1. I am crazy.

Yet I still have moments of calm.

2. I have the bluest Eye.

Yet I don't feel superior to anyone.

3. I Love most parts of my life.

Yet I have trouble focussing on the good parts rather than the bad.

4. I'm A lone Rider.

Yet I love my friends to pieces.

5. Once you get to know me. I will be me.

Yet if you don't even try, disappointment is hanging among your stars.